she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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