My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
