he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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