he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i believe in u and ur pee
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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