obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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