If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
