my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
