Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
