I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
