You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
