The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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