she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Life is so much better after having sex.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
