I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
