this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
