dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The uberlube is also flammable
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
