Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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