there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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