I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
