I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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