just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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