What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
