wrigley field is MILF paradise
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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