shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
