i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
