I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sobbing to NWA
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
