Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
where does the pee come out of this thing
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
