Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My dick has a subreddit
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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