I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
