you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
