Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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