I'd wear matching sweaters with you
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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