I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
