Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
