I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
