Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
