That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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