I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
