Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
