You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
