That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
