seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Randomize
