I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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