I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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