not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
