So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
