you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
