I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
