Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
