Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
3pm strippers are depressing
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
