You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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